Can't Sleep, Won't Sleep

I haven't always been a poor sleeper. I remember in my youth and when first married sleeping for hours at a time, literally hours, getting up, making a cuppa, reading and then going back to sleep for more....I can't quite remember when it all changed. Probably the birth of my daughter when I was 30 was the first major obstacle to sustained periods of sleep, she was not a particularly good sleeper and I do remember the intense bouts of tiredness I felt as I worked fulltime after a restless night. The games and strategies we would use to prevent her falling asleep during the day so she would sleep soundly so we would sleep soundly....

She's 23 now, left home officially 5 years ago, and you would think this would be the ideal time to re kindle the idea of sleeping for longer than 5 or 6 hours. But it just did not happen. I rarely go to bed and lie awake, tonight is one of those rare occasions, my problem is I wake up in the night or anytime after about 4.30am and that's it. I am wide awake thinking about the day ahead, the lists I have made of jobs to do, the classes which need teaching, work to mark, demos to prepare, emails to read and send, colleagues to speak to.....really no more than millions of other working adults every day and yet my mind will not switch off and allow me to drift off again into a relaxing sleep. Instead the dozing becomes stressful, the constant fidgeting drives my husband mad, and in the end I get up as I may as well start my day.

The problem is that sleep is such a great rejuvenator and I rarely think to myself 'oh I slept well last night'. I rarely feel completely refreshed and most mornings take on the acceptance of often acute tiredness and dread of having to just get through the day as I am so tired. I find myself leaving the house earlier and earlier, my school is 19 miles away and I often arrive at my classroom at 7.15am, showered, made up and breakfasted....but tired.

So as the day wears on, and anyone working with young people will understand this, there is no time to feel tired. You have to stay on top of your game, cannot go and hide somewhere and have forty winks, you just get on with the nature of the job. At the end of the day, or rather once the children have left, it is great to pack the car up and drive home thinking about a relaxing evening ahead and the literal falling into bed later on. The rot sets in once I sit on the sofa. There is no particular time for the 'nodding off' procedure, it might be before we eat or after but it usually takes place at some point. It has to stop. I have to stay awake throughout the evening, come what may.

Exercise might help but the vicious circle of waking up tired, working all day, coming home tired and then going out to exercise negates the usefulness of this activity, especially in these dark days. There will be those who will say going out to exercise makes you feel better, more energetic and able to relax more but I just don't have the energy.

So some end of year resolutions seem to be in order, tell husband to wake me up no matter how much I complain and shout bitter recriminations, do more exercise.....I know it would be good for me.

I have just taken the Sleep test on the BBC site. Apparently I am probably getting the amount of sleep I need and a stern reminder quality is better than quantity.

Why do I still feel tired then?

November 2010

What is it about early November? Long nights, short daylight hours, shops full of Christmas decorations, (confusingly next to Hallowe'en displays last week) and the inevitable glut of autumn reality shows on the tv. Oh and I forgot the adverts, yes the new M 'n S one is very good and when will the John Lewis weepy be shown in response to Peter Kay's hilarious high kicks? But am already fed up of Christmas. It is not my favourite time of year and yet I can't exactly put my finger on the reason why not.

I hate the endless searching for online presents (to save time) but it never does, the reviewing of the Christmas card list (what is the point of sending cards to people you never ever see or have anything in common with?), the writing of the dreadful Round Robin letter (and trying to convince myself that if you personally head each one and then sign, it somehow becomes personal, which it doesn't), the buying of the tree (an absolute waste of money, why not just go and throw £30 into the bin?), the putting up of the same decorations each year in the same place, the budget for each present (which never includes the little extras you think you should add).....and so on.

As I read this back I just sound like Mrs. Scrooge. I hate the pressure of sorting out Xmas Day, who is going to eat where and with whom, what time should we eat, what time will guests arrive..and leave. When should we open presents? We had steaks 2 years ago, very good but somehow felt a bit cheated so back to turkey and all the trimmings. Do you know how long it takes to prepare all the trimmings? Do we need starters? How much wine? Do we really need cheese? Am exhausted just thinking about it...and I haven't even mentioned the vegetarians, bless them.

What time can I put on my pyjamas and go to bed??

The thing is I can't really think of an alternative to the day. Would I really miss it if I didn't do it? Would I feel guilty, upset, cross?

I think I would like to find out, just once.

May Day 2010, a year since the previous blog...

I'm not very good at this blogging lark.

May Day and a day in the Derbyshire Dales planned....walks book and O/S map at the ready, picnic almost prepared.

Weather looks cold, somewhat changed from last weekend's walk up on Baslow Edge where the sun shone and shorts were the order of the day. Today's hike is the Manifold Valley, around 7 miles starting and finishing in village of Wetton, where I belive a pub serves much needed refreshments. Off we go...